By Nworb Innax, Secret Contributor, ’??
I thought I would give Scroll readers a glimpse into the life of senior Kevin Baxter, tribal pass winner, former Scroll contributor, and Science Olympian extraordinaire. Take this for what you will – an adventure story, a simple routine, or perhaps just a detailed guide to stalking.
7:30 – Kevin’s alarm rings. I presume he’s hearing the soothing tones of Slipknot, but it’s difficult to tell from my perch in the tree across the street. Kevin somehow continues sleeping, although by now every light in his house is on.
7:55 – Kevin’s bed resorts to its fail-safe mechanism and physically catapults him upright in an effort to get him to school on time. I scramble to get out of the tree, but by now my fingers and toes are numb.
7:56 – Kevin gets into his car, plugs in his iPod video 3g and drives off to the music of Disturbed. I follow at a discreet distance.
8:19 – Kevin does not show up for advisory. We are all so very disappointed. He’s probably getting a bagel. Blueberry is his favorite.
8:20 – A bell. Kevin does not have class. Unfortunately, I do. I wonder what he gets up to…
9:10 – B bell. Kevin goes to Spanish. I follow. He must never know that I spent an entire summer in Colombia just so I could be in the same honors class. You should hear his accent.
10:00 – Snack time. Kevin loves snack time.
10:10 – C bell. Kevin goes to film class. I’m not allowed in (again. Darn Mr. Carr!). Luckily, he sits by the door. Kevin does not enjoy Casablanca. He dozes off for approximately 62% of the class.
11:00 – H band. Mr. Plummer says something about Linear Algebra, and then asks a hard question. Kevin says something funny. I laugh, maybe too hard.
11:50 – G band, or “Stats-tistics” as Kevin calls it. He’s so funny.
12:40 – Lunch time. Kevin sits with his real friends. I’m too nervous, so I peer down at him from the library windows. He sure loves breakfast for lunch. I forgot it was cookie day. Now he won’t have any appetite for the ones I left in his locker.
1:35 – Physics double bell. Why does he have to sit so far away? I’ve strategically placed mirrors around the physics room so I can check on him without turning around. He’s really good at the pen flip.
3:12 – Kevin leaves early, just because he can. As he pulls away, the strains of Miley Cyrus float back to me. I miss him already, but I know I’ll be seeing him soon.
As with many Lighter Fare articles, I have completely made this one up. No names have been changed to protect the stalked. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental. Really, I swear. What? No, those aren’t my binoculars. I mean, they are, but I’m a bird watcher. Ornithology. Please don’t tell Kevin.
Photo courtesy of Dawn Johnsen.